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December 9, 2010
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Bruce Lee Nunchucks by MexPirateRed Bruce Lee Nunchucks by MexPirateRed
# Bruce Lee is the inspiration of Chuck Norris. He can kick Chuck's American ass any day of the week. He's THAT good. Clearly.
# Doctors once enlisted Bruce's help to scare a guy out of a coma. He threatened to break the guy's arms off like bread sticks and shove them up his ass. The guy instantly regained consciousness. This is the highest expression of Kung-Fu power.
There is also missing footage from Bruce's famed Kung-Fu demonstration at Long Beach, where he compresses a Chevy with his bare hands to the size of a stock cube. He also demonstrated the famous one-inch punch. To date, scientists believed that his demonstration of the one-inch punch was so powerful that it caused a massive tsunami which killed more than 200,000 people 30 years later.
# Bruce Lee doesn't play video games. Using his chi and his massive penis, the characters in the games move according to Lee's will.
# Bruce Lee has fifty children. Not including the millions around the world and the ones he did not see fit by giving them a one-inch punch to the chest which sent them to another galaxy.
One of Bruce's party tricks was to lift an Abrams tank by its barrel - one tank in each hand, arms extended - and then smash them together. Such force reduced the tanks to atoms, resulting in the illusion that they had disappeared.
Mirrors don't reflect Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee reflects mirrors. Besides, the mirror isn't stupid enough to stand between two Bruce Lee's if it did make a reflection.
# Bruce Lee invented lightning, so that he could punch faster than it.
# If you cut off his arms, he'll still be able to do more push-ups than you.
# Bruce Lee's pride and joy was his collection of pressed wildflowers. One day, after drinking a glass of WA-TAHH, when he was in Kowloon, just inside Hong Kong, a P.L.A. border guard flicked a cigarette that burned a daisy Bruce had his eye on. Bruce simply trembled slightly and lobotomized eight divisions of the the Red Guard through the percussive effect. He only accepted Red China's apology when Chairman Mao finally dressed up as Widow Twankey and performed a one-man pantomime of Aladdin for Bruce's pleasure.
# Bruce was recruited by NASA in the 1960's after he was involved in a road rage incident, during which he kicked a fellow motorist's car into low earth orbit. NASA figured he could easily sidekick several tons of useful payload into outer space. This is how satellites, rockets, and space shuttles have been launched into outer space. The exhaust gas seen coming from the rear-end of these things are actually hot remnants of Bruce Lee's powerful kick not the "liquid fuel" that scientists claim.
During the fight scenes in Enter The Dragon, Bruce was actually asleep. Fred Weintraub believed actually filming while Bruce was awake could have deadly consequences for the film crew. The only time it was safe to film him was when he was slumbering. Bruce's penis glowed in the dark and, if used properly, cured cancer. If used improperly, it turned the recipient into a giant, green, rampaging hulk. It also had the capability to leave Bruce's body. Sightings have been attributed to the creation of the Sasquatch legend, as well as being the inspiration for Stan Lee when creating "The Thing" character in Fantastic Four comics after a shave session. Once, in 1916, it sped across the North Atlantic and sank the entire Imperial German High Seas Fleet at Jutland. President Poincare himself embraced it, kissed it on both sides and then pinned to it the Ordre du Chevalier de la Legion Dhonneur.
Ronald Reagan's survival of Hinckley's bullets in 1981 was widely held to be down to luck. However, it was Bruce in fact. Whilst in deep TAO meditation in Hong Kong, Bruce heard the sound of grime on Hinckley's finger scrape against the trigger; in an instant the power of Bruce's chi gave him a full picture of the situation. Before the bullet had left the chamber Bruce was on his way to the US - to liberate the Falkland Islands from the Argentinian occupation a year before it had even started. By the time he arrived, a bullet had already penetrated Reagan. With lightning quick reflexes Bruce used the Shaolin "operating theater side kick" to juggle Ronald Reagan's lifeless cadaver with such skill and precision as to render the bullet non-lethal, while at the same time massaging the then-president's heart back to life. Bruce then caught Hinckley's second bullet in his sphincter, firing it into space, before returning to Hong Kong and completing his meditations. Needless to add, the naked eye is incapable of seeing Bruce at the scene as his speed was beyond the mere ken of the human mind, and also beyond the limited technology of 1980's cameras to capture.
# Bruce Lee once yawned because he was bored during battle. Jackie Chan came out.
# Bruce Lee's control of his face shots was so precise that when he hit someone there, he could control, simply by the force exerted, the color of the "flash" or the "stars" that would be seen by the person as they were being knocked cold. In the early 1970's, the American Council of the Blind heard about this ability and asked him to knock out people blind from birth so that they could finally know which color was which. In 1971 he knocked out Stevie Wonder seven times over the course of a week so that he could truly know the rainbow. He later wrote the song "Joy Inside My Tears" about this experience.
# Bruce Lee was filming a yet to be released title in Beijing in the summer of 1970. Because of poor planning by the director, a lunar eclipse threatened to stop production for four hours of that day. Bruce contemplated destroying the moon with a one inch punch, but recanted, knowing that in three days the night shoots were to occur under moonlight. Bruce flew into a dervish frenzy and impregnated all the women between the 90' East and 150' west meridians. Since all of these women stopped menstruating instantaneously, the moon rapidly repositioned itself within its orbit over the western hemisphere, as everyone, including Bruce knows that the singular purpose of the moon's orbit is to time the menses of human females. (every twenty eight days).
# If Bruce Lee is thirsty during battle, he drinks his own blood. Of course, he would have to cut himself since no one else could cut him.
# Bruce Lee had only one weakness. He had no sense of humor. For example, he just didn't 'get' "Fawlty Towers". He would watch each episode over and over again absolutely expressionless. Sometimes he would turn to a friend and say: 'The tall man strikes the small man upon the head with a spoon to shame him. Why does not the small man use his agility and speed to execute the Drunken Driving Instructor Dance Kick in the way a real master of the Force would?
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nicofdoom2 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014
Even the Death Star, Zeedmilleniamon, and the Reality Bomb cannot compare to his Nunchucks! 
MexPirateRed Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014
Thank you for the fav.
Nothing compares to Bruce Lee power.
Not even Batman and the Hell Bat Armour.
shadow19967 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Professional Writer
kelvaris Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Bruce is not the inspiration for Chuck Norris, Chuck learned and was inspired in Korea. Him and Bruce were friends, and would often spar, they both would not say who won. Bruce is amazing, so is Chuck, one does not have to take from the other. Bruce really wouldn't like it if it did. 
MexPirateRed Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013
:iconjakethedogplz::iconsaysplz:Yesh that why they are jokes, are like the Chuck Norris facts
ironsides11 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
This seen was so fucking awesome. He murdered the shit out of like fifty people :iconikilleditplz:
MexPirateRed Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013
:icondeadpoolplz::iconsaysplz:He is the reson why people dies
SueMing Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Bruce Lee is the Man of Man!
MexPirateRed Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012
:icondeadpoolplz::iconsaysplz:The onyl real one
LarayaDracomshu Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! GOOD, OLD FASION BRUCE LEE JOKES!! Thank god I didn't see a chuck norise joke today...getting sick of those. Xp
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